Today is twenty-two days, which is three weeks and one day of the Omer, in the year 5780. חסד שבנצח, Chesed ShebeNetzach, Covenantal Love of Eternity, Eternal Will.
Traditionally the week to reflect on Enduring Will
In the past, this is the week where I clarify my plans for the coming year and assert my intention to follow a particular path.
Previously, I committed to mindful eating, daily prayer, softening my interactions with other people. All of those things are great and beneficial and I wish good favor to everyone who can follow those paths.
Enduring Will to Survive and Begin to Thrive
Nothing has taken more endurance than being enrolled in five graduate courses while overseeing a Mandarin Immersion first grader’s homework schedule. I barely keep up with my own homework assignments. I lose sleep to escapist streaming television. Rinse and repeat. The days blur together.
I can hardly imagine what this would look like if I had a full-time job rather than the flexibility of being a full-time student. I think about the rhythm of my children; how I had to decline continued snuggles from my four year-old to write this reflection. I do not know if this path is the right one for my young children. All I know is that I was compelled to take this journey. My soul announced its intention, waited six years for my ego to have the courage to follow the dream, and there is no way back.
Still, I wonder about my laser focus on the pursuit of knowledge and wisdom over the past four years. Did I dismiss my responsibility to participate in childhood too quickly? I am not talking about sending the kids to daycare, preschool, and aftercare. That would have happened if I was working. I mean the way it is so difficult for me to be fully present to the whims and wants of small children. Babies make sense to me. Children who can read but are not sure if bunnies have fur are a mystery.
Eternal Connection to the Eternal Child Within
So much healing can occur when we maintain contact with our inner child. When I see her struggles in the light of an adult mind. Endless love for her insatiable curiosity. Connecting to the joy and spiritual grounding that existed before I understood synagogue economics and class dynamics.
Love no matter what
My covenant with myself and my family require me to root my interactions in love. When I fail to temper the sound of my voice or the words I utter, I recoil and return to love.
May we all find the covenantal love that propels us into alignment with enduring will.